To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.

2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. Whilst you are at it, please note that there are other English accents - Posh and Cockney are not the only ones. Also, please do not call Scottish, Welsh or Irish people English. Also, Scots are people - Scotch are things.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American Football - itis not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American Football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played Association Football with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby Football (which is similar to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like Nancies).

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. 'Merde' is French for 'sh*t'.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 5th (near to 8th) will be your new national holiday and will be called 'Indecisive Day'. We already celebrate that day in the UK, as it marks the failure of a terrorist act on our Parliament.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you European (particularly German) cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Stop stating the date in MM/DD/YYYY format. It is silly. State it either DD/MM/YYYY or YYYY-MM-DD. You will begin staing the date in this manner which will make it easier for us to synchronise our Palm Pilots. Look up 'synchronise' - you'll note that it is not spelt with a 'z' but an 's' - see point 2.

11. If you are really good, we may let you have passports, but only if you promise bot to barge all over the world annoying people.

12. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

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