A journal of my thoughts and feelings about my late wife Clare
finding her, being with her, losing her and trying to cope with the loss.

2001-06-03 Sunday
I started chatting with Clare on ICQ, the Internet chat system.  Her name on ICQ (clarepigfan) was what initially caught my attention. Wehit it off very quickly.

2001-07-24 Tuesday
After twice postponing a week off from work, I finally get away and decide to visit friends dotted around the UK, including Clare. I meet Clare for the first time on this day and spend that day and the following morning with her.  We hit it off so well, that as I was driving to visit another friend the next day, I kept wanting to turn around and go back to spend more time with her.  When I told her this on the phone that night she chastised me and told me that I should have driven back to spend more time with her.

2001-08/2001-09
Clare and I spend weekends together in Cumbria and Cambridgeshire, and we start to talk about her moving up to live with me in Carlisle. After Clare spends a fortnight staying with me in Carlisle at the end of September, I ask her to move in, and she agrees to.  Neither of us explicitly said so, but I think we were both going to treat it as a "living together" trial.

2001-11-02/05
Clare comes up for the weekend to watch the Carlisle fireworks run by the city. My mate Kev, who lodges with me, tags along. It is just like having a kid with us, and trying to keep track of him!

2001-12-14/17
Clare comes up for the weekend to come with me to my work Xmas Do. A chance for her to meet some of the people I work with.

2001-12-29/2002-01-02
I spend New Year in Cambridgeshire with Clare, and also to pack up the last of her stuff for her to move to Cumbria with me.  Naturally, the boys are a little sad about her moving away, but I think they are happy for her.

2002-01-02 Wednesday
We arrive back at the house in Carlisle with Clare’s stuff, for Clare to move in officially with me.  It was more work unloading the van than loading it, because we were carrying the stuff upstairs to my spare bedroom, rather than downstairs from Clare’s first floor flat.

2002-06
Clare's youngest son Shaun comes up for the summer and we take many day trips around Cumbria whilst he is here, including Castlerigg Stone Circle. He managed to get Clare to pose for a few pics, which is a major achievement.

2002-07-24 Wednesday
The first anniversary of our first date. I collect Clare from work and we go for a picnic at our favourite spot, a small beach on Ullswater. She uses the walking stick I made for her earlier that afternoon, which she loves, though it is a little heavy for her.

2002-12
Clare and I agree that we should move to Cambridgeshire so that her sons (Robert and Shaun) can live with us, rather than their dad. I love Clare, and will do anything to make her happy, so even though we both love living in Carlisle, moving back to Cambridgeshire is something Clare needs to do right now.

2003-06
Clare's son Robert came back up following my successful interview in Cambridgeshire to help with redecorating the house, to get it ready to sell. Whilst here he makes up the numbers in our IT Bowls team in the annual NHS Bowls Tournament at the Redfern in Carlisle. We win it! This is despite having a team of:
- One who has never played before (David Keith)
- One who has played once before (Robert Chambers)
- One who has played a few times (Martin Taylor)
- One who plays once per year (David Atkinson - me!)

2003-08-17 Saturday
Finished the last of the DIY on the house to get it ready to sell this morning, and had it on the market this afternoon! Clare and I went out for a celebratory meal, only to return and one of the curtain rails was drooping away from the wall – I was so annoyed, but fixed it in about 20 minutes.

2003-08-18 Sunday
Packed the car up and drove to Clare’s mum’s in Cambridgeshire, where we will be living until I sell the house in Carlisle and buy one in March.

2003-08-19 Monday
My first day at work in Cambridgeshire.  A bit strange to be working somewhere else after 13.5 years in Cumbria, but being with Clare has made me realise that work is incidental to being with someone you love.

2004-01-19 Monday
We finally got the keys for our new house today.  After we move in this week, I’m considering asking Clare to marry me. I never thought I’d want to ask someone to marry me, but it feels inadequate to describe Clare as my girlfriend or partner.

2004-01-19/2004-01-23
With help from Clare’s friend Carol, we spend the weekdays and evenings cleaning the house and preparing to move in, including taking some things to the house. When we originally viewed the house, it was a heck of a mess!

2004-01-24 Saturday
Well, finally in the house, but by no means settled in!  Poor Clare has been totally stressed this week, and I think asking her to marry me at the moment would add more stress if she said yes with all the planning, so I think I’ll leave it either until St Valentine’s Day, or the anniversary of our first date.

Mothering Sunday
Clare was really disappointed when we didn't get to spend Xmas in our new home, so as compensation I organise a full Xmas dinner on Mothering Sunday, with decorations and crackers. She loves it, as do the boys. It was even down to the detail of not having dessert until hours afterwards, because the main course was so big.

2004-07-24 Saturday
Three years since our first date, and Clare and I are away for the weekend in York. I finally ‘properly’ ask Clare to marry me, and she says yes.  I am so happy. 

2004-07-25 Sunday
We looked for an engagement ring before we headed back to Cambridgeshire, but couldn’t find one suitable. When we get back, we tell Shaun, and then Robert, but Clare wanted to not tell anyone else until we get her an engagement ring.

Thinking back to this weekend after Clare was diagnosed, I realise that this was the first time she'd complained about a stomach ache.

2004-09-06/12
Clare and I have a holiday in Cumbria visiting friends and family.  I also have a stag night (2004-09-10) in Carlisle, and am a little bit ill later on, which I blame on the sausages I ate.... Not the alcohol, of course.....

2004-10-13 Wednesday
Clare's stomach pain has been getting worse and I come home to find her doubled up on the sofa in pain. I take her around to the GP and insist that she is admitted to hospital for tests. She is given a pain killer injection, and then I drive her to hospital. She is admitted and I eventually leave her for the night, having arranged to take the morning off to bring her some things in. I start crying as soon as I've left her, fearing the worst, including stomach cancer.

2004-10-15 Friday
Clare's pain has gone, and we are both relieved. They think it was just extreme constipation, so are happy for her to be discharged.

2004-10-17 Sunday
Clare's pain is back, as severe as it was on Wednesday. We go to see the out-of-hours doctor, who takes an age to actually see her after we arrive. He gives her a pain killing injection and agrees to readmit her to hospital, and I drive her back to Peterborough.

Over the next couple of weeks we settle into a routine of me visiting Clare at least every evening, and sometimes during the day when I can arrange to work at Peterborough. We convince ourselves that it can't be too serious if they are taking this long to identify what is wrong. I do worry about it all the same, and at times snap at the boys (which I do feel guilty about later) for not doing more in the house to help and for not letting me know where they are and that they are OK.

2004-11-01 Monday
I got a phone call today to go to the hospital so that they could talk to Clare and I about her condition. It was very bad news, and we both broke down completely. Clare has stomach cancer. We both went numb after that, but we want to go ahead with the wedding on Saturday. No chance of getting away on the honeymoon now, though, so I have to cancel that tomorrow. They will start chemotherapy after the wedding. The rest of the week now will be planning how to get Clare to the wedding, and through it.

I am a wreck. Devastated. I call in at Clare's Ex's house on the way home to tell him, but find myself cold and locking up. I ask him to come back with me to tell the boys. It is difficult to tell how the boys take it.

2004-11-03 Wednesday
Clare and I were devastated today. It turns out that, not only does Clare have stomach cancer, but it is terminal and they only give her a couple of weeks. I just don't know how I can see a future without her, but I am going to make sure she has a wonderful day on Saturday. We've decided only to tell Clare's two best friends (Carol and Roz) the whole truth before the wedding. Anyone coming to the wedding and/or reception will only be told that it is a stomach tumour. We decided that this would be best, so that everyone could hopefully enjoy the day as anormal wedding, or as near as possible at least.

We decided we would tell the boys together on Sunday. I am already dreading that. I can hardly bear to talk to them, as I don’t want to give anything away.  They deserve to enjoy Saturday with their mum without having to deal with the terrible news.

I feel so sick and guilty later that night when I think about the fact that I didn’t push harder earlier for her to go into hospital, and also that we never got life insurance for Clare. I hardly sleep.

2004-11-04 Thursday
I arrived at the hospital later today, around lunchtime, as Carol and Roz were coming in to help with preparations for making Saturday easier for Clare. Sarah Bailey (Macmillan nurse) was there to help and advise. Clare also told Carol and Roz the whole truth. Clare and I had discussed this, and she wanted to wait until after the wedding before telling everyone, but she felt Carol and Roz should know the truth. I try not to discuss the reality of the situation with them, as I want to try and put it out of my mind and make Saturday the best possible day for Clare.

2004-11-05 Friday
Clare had a "Hen Night/Bridal Shower" on the ward with staff and other patients.  My friends and relatives started arriving in March for the wedding tomorrow.  It was very hard meeting up with them in the pub and not telling them how serious Clare’s condition is.

2004-11-06 Saturday
The wedding day, and everything goes well.  The only times I nearly break down during the day are during the vows and a couple of times later when talking to people.

My sister gets the truth out of Clare, and agrees to tell the other hotel guests in the morning.

Although this is out of synch, I want to say thank you here to all at the hospital who made it possible for Clare to enjoy our wedding day and as much as possible, her stay in hospital.

2004-11-07 Sunday
I took the boys in to see Clare today, so that we could tell them all together the whole truth. Robert (19) seemed to take the news OK, and said that he'd already worked it out. Gary (20) looked quite numb at the news, but was broken up. Poor Shaun (16) took it the worst and not surprisingly, as he is closest to his mum, I think. This was the worst thing I've ever had to do. I felt like their executioner, making them get up and come to the hospital with me.

2004-11-18 Thursday
Clare died in the night. I was asleep when they rang, saying the doctors were with her. Took Shaun and Robert in with me to the hospital, her ex-husband followed. So numb. I hardly slept after we got back, went and told her friend Carol, and her mum first thing. Just can't take it in, still keep thinking of going to visit her. I wish I'd been there when she died. I hope it was peaceful - she was very drugged up last night, not really with it, so I think it was peaceful.

I go to the hospital that morning with Carol and Ros to see Clare in the mortuary viewing area. It is very difficult for all of us, but it is something we all want to do.

Although this is out of synch, I want to say thank you to:

2004-11-19 Friday
Went to the hospital to get the death notice, etc, and then went to register Clare's death, my line manager Steve came with me. I was a wreck, couldn't stop crying at all today.  The cremation is sometime next week. I just can't cope with this at all. Brother Bob is coming down this week to stay until after the cremation.

2004-11-26 Friday
The cremation and wake were today. I just sort of wandered through it all - it was hard to keep my head straight. Boys seem to have got through it OK. My sister, brother and Carol were superb, organising a lot of the day for me. After the cremation I turned on my phone and there was a voicemail to tell me that the wedding ring I ordered has finally come in.

I drank quite a bit at the wake but felt totally sober, which is hard to grasp. I don't think it is a good idea to drink much for a while, I think I'll stay off alcohol altogether - I don't want to go down that slippy slope.

2004-11-29 Monday
I finally got my wedding ring this morning. With Clare going into hospital, I'd not been able to get one for my big hands before the wedding, and it came in on Friday (cremation day). It was upsetting collecting it, but I feel better wearing it (even though I keep fiddling with it, as I've never worn a ring before). I just wish Clare had got to see me wearing it. Robert and Shaun seem to be much better today. I keep trying not get too upset in front of them, as it only brings it up for them.

2004-12-25 Saturday
A very hard day today. I was holding it together until I got a framed picture of Clare at the wedding from Shaun. A lovely present and very touching. Dinner was good, the boys' dad joined us. I just watched TV for the rest of the day, whilst the boys went out.

2004-12-26 Sunday
A month since the cremation today, and then I saw the news about the Asian Tsunami. Just too much for me, all those poor people and their relatives. I was glued to the TV and Internet all day from when I heard about it.

2004-12-31 Friday
I couldn't face being with anyone for the New Year's Eve celebrations, although I had plenty of offers. So I just sat playing scrabble and chatting on the 'net, just getting through it.

2005-01-07 Friday
Today was my first day back at work since Clare died. It was really hard, even though I am only going in mornings for the next week. I had asked everyone not to talk to me, not to ask how I was, etc. Everyone is doing as I asked, which does make it easier. I managed to get through it OK, but had a few tears when I was reading emails from the week before and after the wedding in November. 

2005-03
Although I am slowly getting better, I don't think I'll ever be happy in Cambridgeshire without Clare. I decide I'm going to move back to Cumbria when I can get a job there, plus I don't think it is good for the boys to continually see me getting upset, as it only reminds them that they've lost their mum. Their dad agrees to have them move back in with him. This will hopefully allow us all to deal with the loss of Clare better, and allow me to get on with some DIY, assuming I can do it. Our original plan was to do DIY to the house this year, with the plan that we were going to stay here. It will be very difficult to do the DIY knowing that it is to sell the house instead. It will also be a reminder of Clare and I doing the work on the house at Carlisle before we sold it and moved to Cambs.

After telling the boys I am moving back to Cumbria I never sleep upstairs again - it is just too hard. Instead, I sleep on the sofa from now on.

2005-05-25 Wednesday
Well, tomorrow is 6 months since the cremation. Just been sat crying, set off by watching Joan of Arcadia, when someone died in it. Silly little things like that set me off. I am coping most of the time, though. It is hard not having Clare around.

2005-05-28 Saturday
The Tier 5 (Conference) play-off final for Carlisle United, in Cardiff. I couldn't bring myself to go, as Clare had become a Carlisle United fan through me, and I wasn't ready to go to a game without her. Mate Alan from Carlisle and Sean from here in March joined me to watch the match and we had mucho boozo and mucho snackos. Fairly nerve wracking, but enjoyable, and we deserved to win it. When it all finished, Alan and I were jumping up and down, hugging, whilst Sean looked on bemused! No hangover the next day, just quite tired. The excitement brought up mixed emotions once they left, though, and I didn't go to bed until gone 01:30, and got up at 07:40. It was an early night the next night!

2005-05-28 Saturday
I didn't sleep well either of the last two nights, and had an interview in Cumbria yesterday. It was really difficult, getting through the interview, but managed ok. Unfortunately, I broke down after the interview whilst completing a test/form. Ah well. I got home last night, had tea and fell asleep on the sofa at some point. I still feel tired, and may sleep a little more this morning.

2005-05-29 Sunday
After 3 nights of little sleep, I gave in last night and had one of my pills and slept well last night - about 10 hours! I feel better for it, but I try to stay off the pills if I can.  I’m also still not drinking alcohol most of the time.

2005-07-05 Tuesday
The Internet Scrabble Club has been a great help to me since Clare died. I played a lot before to relax, but it has also been a good place to chat and I've made a lot of friends there. I've also got better at Scrabble, unsurprisingly, and today I broke my lifetime record score in a two person game - I scored 620 points! Now that I've decided to move back north, I know I won't be playing as much as before, and I am going to miss it and my ISC friends

2005-08-20 Saturday
My big leaving BBQ. One of the things I've enjoyed about living here were the BBQs we had. Robert, Shaun and I put a lot of work into clearing the garden, and weeding and flattening it all out, laying the patio and building the BBQ. As a family, it was nice spending the time out here. I love a proper wood fired BBQ and start it off just after noon. One of the neighbours complains at me about it, which gets me upset and I explain that this is a leaving BBQ and why it is important to me. He apologises which is nice, because he didn't have to.

Over the previous couple of weeks, I'd slowly been stocking the freezer with meat for the BBQ. Colleagues and friends arrive through the afternoon, and I keep a constant supply of food going. It was an enjoyable day and by the end of the afternoon everyone was full before I ran out of food. I'd cooked the quality food first, and all that was left was some cheap Tesco sausages, so I put them on the BBQ as otherwise they were going to be chucked. Now, the problem with cheap sausages, is they contain a lot of fat.... which drained out.... onto the hot ash... creating a flame-thrower effect.... which incinerated the cheap sausages!

We retired to the house and chatted and reminisced. On the whole, I enjoyed the day and it was a good send off from Cambs. I will be coming back regularly. Although Clare and I were together for only a short time, I feel connected to her friends and family, and don't want to lose contact with them, or my colleagues from the area either.

2005-08-26 Friday
My last day at work in Cambs. I had said I didn't want to go to the pub at lunchtime, or have any big fuss about leaving, because I knew it was going to be emotional. Phil had spent the week with me, as handover, and we had covered everything we needed to, so after getting presents and a card first thing, there wasn't much to do, so I left just before lunch. As expected, I had to hold back the tears. I only cried a couple of times before Clare went into hospital, but in the 10 months since then, I don't think more than a couple of days have gone by without me crying. I am doing a lot better than I was, but there is a long way to go yet.

2005-09-05 Monday
My first day back in Cumbria, in the department I left 2 years and 2 weeks ago. Very weird being back here. I know that in the long term it will be best for me to be back in Cumbria. I am lucky enough to get into the staff accommodation.

2005-09-10 Saturday
I had a night out in Carlisle with one of the lasses from the lodge, as she is new to Carlisle.  I was drunk when we got back, as it was the first time I’ve had a lot of alcohol since the wake.

Although my old friends and colleagues help a lot during my first couple of months back in Cumbria, I want to say a particular thank you here to my new friends from the staff accommodation - Tanya, Vikki and Katharine (pic right). They made things much easier for me on my return and helped me through the first tough couple of months. What was hardest was continually meeting old colleagues and acquaintances, and having to explain why I was back, plus some people making it hard for me to be back. Tanya, Vikki and Katharine made the lodge a safe place I could talk about things, and offload.

2005-09 Friday
I can't remember the exact night, but I went out for a curry and drinks with everyone from work as someone was leaving. I was doing OK until after the curry when we were stood in the pub drinking. It was all too reminiscent of my stag do last year and my leaving do from Cumbria the year before. I could feel myself starting to lose it, so I quickly said goodbye and left. I was in tears within a minute of leaving the bar. I wasn't drinking alcohol tonight. I am still hardly drinking.

2005-11-02 Wednesday
I got really upset today, and had to leave work just before lunch. I got a nasty email from a so-called friend which upset me, particularly because it was this Wednesday last year that Clare and I found out that she probably only had two weeks to live.

2005-11-16 Wednesday
I was on a training course yesterday and supposed to be on it until the end of tomorrow, but had to leave this morning as I started to break down. Just too close to the anniversary of Clare's death tomorrow night, so I'll have the rest of the week off as leave and just try to get through it.

2005-11-17 Thursday
I hardly slept last night, I was so upset. I kept mulling over the last few hours I spent with Clare, wishing I'd not left her that night. The drive to the hospital with the boys after the hospital phoned us, to tell us the doctors were with Clare. Having to tell Carol and everyone the next day. To try and work through it today, I leave the lodge early and drive up to Alston to watch the sun rise over Cumbria, and then I drove around the Lakes, taking pictures with my camera phone. Via our favourite spot at Ullswater, I somehow end up at Allonby, where Clare and I often went in the summer. I sit in the pub there for a while with a coffee, before going back to the lodge and sleeping for a few hours.

2005-11-18 Friday
Anniversary of Clare dying, and coincidentally it was Children In Need night.  Some of my mates joined me and the Pine Lodge lasses for an evening of watching TV, chatting, drinking and eating junk food. It helped.

2005-11-25 Friday
A couple of days late, but tonight we had a big birthday bash for one of the lasses in the Lodge - Tanya. Aw bless, she is 22 years old! we got drunk at the lodge, before heading into town and partying the night away. This included some impromptu pole dancing, and limbo, with a curtain pole pulled down by Julie, another of the lodge lasses.

This was the first night out since the wedding when I've danced, and although it was difficult at times, on the whole I enjoyed myself. Perhaps it was best that this was a night out with new friends, and not my old friends. Certainly I find it easier to relax and enjoy myself with my new friends as they have no preconceptions about me, although they do know what has happened. The good thing is that they don't dwell on it, but are very understanding when I am down. I am certainly not ready to date yet, though.

2005-11-29 Tuesday
A weird thing happened today. I was moving boxes of IT kit at work today, and caught my wedding ring on one, hurting my finger. Because the finger started to swell up, I had to wear my wedding ring on my right hand for the rest of the day. When I got home, I realised it is a year ago today that I collected the wedding ring!! It freaked me for a moment, but I decided to use it to take a positive step forward and continue wearing the ring on my right hand.

2006-01-07 Saturday
A weird thing happened today. I was out with some mates and I was comfortable looking at women and considering the possibility of dating again. I don't feel ready to ask someone out, but I think that if I were to be asked out by a woman I was attracted to, then I would say yes to a date, at least.

2006-01-28 Saturday
I'm doing much better now, rarely needing a pill to get to sleep. I still have the odd moment when it washes over me and I get upset again, but these are rare now and I can talk about Clare much more easily than I used to. I'm down to the house next week to put the finishing touches and get it on the market to sell. I'm hoping the sale price will be high enough to pay off the debts and leave enough for a deposit on a house back in Cumbria.

2006-03-04 Saturday
I had my worst moment since the anniversaries in November. I was at my first private function (Macmillan charity belly dancing) since the wedding reception and cremation wake. It all got too much for me, as it was too reminiscent of the reception, so had to leave a little early and sit in the car for a while. I felt really silly and guilty, as I was there with two friends and it felt like I was ruining their evening.  I'm back to "normal" most of the time now, though, and can even consider the possibility of going on a date with someone again, but as I can't imagine asking someone out, I think it will be a while yet. 

2006-03-24 Friday
A couple of the guys at work joked that I am forming my own cult after we were discussing my Tenets again.

2006-04-02 Sunday
Well, on a different note today - I'm off down to a pub to watch the mighty Carlisle United in the Football League Trophy. This is Carlisle United’s fourth appearance in this final in 11 years, having won it once before. Fingers crossed for a good win over Tier 3 opposition. As for my continued improvement, I really do feel so much more normal lately, barring last month's "down moment".

2006-04-09 Sunday
Just having another weekend at my Brother's at the moment. Some of the packing was done very early on, when I wasn't thinking clearly, and I've got everything in boxes in his spare room, and so just repacking things. It gets a bit emotional at times as I'm doing it, as I come across very personal things of Clare's. Still, it has got to be done, and it is easier doing it now than when I was numbly packing it all up last year, just as it is easier going out.

2006-04-10 Monday
I took up my Journeyman goalkeeping again last night, as a favour to Martin I play in goal for Crown Corkers, the team he plays for every Monday. We were leading 1-0 in the last minute and I made a double save, only for the second rebound to go to the same player who managed to squeeze it past me !-( It is a 1-1 draw, which I am disappointed with, but it turns out this is the first game they've not lost.

2006-07-17 Monday
My web site is ten years old today. The first issue of RIOA came along a month later. Kynson was originally hosted on Demon Internet. There had been rumours for a couple of months that they were to offer free web space, and so I had some web pages ready. I uploaded the pages on the day they made the announcement and started the service (1996-07-17). Some time later, I moved over to Freeserve as it was free, and at that same time I registered the kynson.org.uk domain and set up forwarding. I use the kynson identity all over the Internet, but it was about 5 years ago that I discovered that Kynson is also a Chinese name, so chances are that in years to come there will be a lot more on the 'net! Already, I've come across a few. But hey, as a Cumbrian called David Atkinson, I'm used to being common.

2006-07-19 Wednesday
The local NHS Lawn Bowls tournament at the Redfern. I've organised it this time, and it is three years since the one that we won before I moved to Cambridgeshire. The surplus cash raised on the evening was to go to Macmillan Cancer Relief, but as it was there was a small shortfall which I covered. It was worth it.

2006-07-24 Monday
The fifth anniversary of our first date in the real world. I got up for sunrise, drove to Ullswater and scattered some of Clare's ashes into the lake from our favourite beach. After sitting for a while, I drove around the Lakes just to relax and recollect, and then went back to the lodge.

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