(The Stoning Place. An FA OFFICIAL stands there, with some helpers, confronting the potential stonee, Michael Knighton. A large crowd watches. 90% are Carlisle United fans in beards. Around the perimeter are a few FA officials.) Official: Michael Knighton, ex School Teacher... Knighton: (to Official's Helper): Do I say "Yes"? Official's Helper: Yes. Knighton: Yes. Official: You have been found guilty by the elders of the FA of giving false hope to the fans of Carlisle United and as such you are to be stoned to death. Knighton: Look, I'd had a lovely time at Manchester, saw Carlisle United and all I said to my wife was, "That football club will play in the Premiership". Official: He's said it again!! Carlisle United fans: Yes, he did. Official: Did you hear him? Carlisle United fans: Yes we did. Really. Official: (suspiciously) Are there any Carlisle United fans here today? (The Carlisle United fans all shake their heads. The Official faces Knighton again.) Official: Very well, by virtue of the authority vested in me ... (One of the Carlisle United fans throws a stone and it hits Knighton on the knee.) Knighton: Ow. Lay off. We haven't started yet. Official: (turning around) Come on, who threw that? (Silence.) Who threw that stone? Come on. Carlisle United fans: (pointing to the culprit, keeping their voices as Southern-sounding as they can) He did! He did! He. Him. Culprit: (very Southern accent) Sorry, I thought we'd started. Official: Go to the back. Culprit: Oh dear. (disappointedly goes to back) Official: There's always one, isn't there? Now, where were we? ... Knighton: Look. I don't think it ought to be wrong to promise things, I was just saying "Premiership!" (Sensation!!!! The Carlisle United fans gasp.) Carlisle United fans: (high voices) He said it again. (low voices) He said it again. Official: (to Knighton) You're only making it worse for yourself. Knighton: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Premiership, Premiership, Premiership. (Great Sensation!!!!!!) Official: I'm warning you. If you say "Premiership" once more ... (He gasps at his error and claps his hand over his mouth. A stone hits him on the side of the head. He reacts.) Right! Who threw that? Carlisle United fans: (Northern accents) It was him! It was him! (Southern accents) It was him. Official: Was it you? Culprit: Yes. Official: All right. Culprit: Well, you did say "Premiership." (The Carlisle United fans all shriek and throw stones at him from very close range. He falls to the ground stunned. Quick cut of FA Officials reacting. They shake their heads and mutter to each other.) Official: Stop that. Stop it, will you stop that. Now look, no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. *Even*...and I want to make this absolutely clear...*even* if they *do* say "Premiership." (There is a pause. Then all the Carlisle United fans throw stones at the Official and he goes down in a heap. Five Carlisle United fans carry a huge rock, run up and drop it on the Official. Everyone claps. The other FA officials sadly shake their heads.)
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