RIOA - 2009-06-03

3 June 2009
The countdown begins

Citizens, it is now at most one year until the next UK general election and by popular demand (well, CUFC message board fans) I appear to be having greatness thrust upon me by the clamour for me to stand for Carlisle MP. Well, if the people want it, who am I to deny them? After a mass debate on the CUFC message board, I've given over this close season issue of RIOA to the impressive material generated within that online democracy.

Campaign slogans

Here is a selection of our rousing campaign slogans to pass on to your friends:

Vote Cumbrian Separatist! Like, eh?
I'll protect your sausage!
If you're not a Jam Eater, then you must be a Jammy Dodger.
If you were going to waste your vote, then waste it on the Cumbrian Separatists
I don’t want to be a politician, so I’m obviously the right candidate
I'm fat, bearded, grey haired and wear glasses - vote for me!
Cumbrian Separatist? Common Sense!
I won't come and bother you to ask for your vote, nor shall I litter your property with a leaflet.
Vote Cumbrian Separatists - at least we know we're a joke!
Bad mistakes, I've made a few. I've had my share of sand kicked in my face, but I've come through.
Some have greatness thrust upon them, but I was just persuaded into this.

Manifesto Aspirations

Now we're all used to political parties making campaign pledges that don't seem to quite come true in the way we expected, so we in the Cumbrian Separatist will instead list our non-binding aspirations.

Introduction of the Citizen's Income
Tolls on the M6 through Cumbria for all drivers not stopping and spending money
Constituency meetings on The Paddock and/or a completed East Stand Suite at Brunton Park on matchdays, with pies and XL Cheese Crisps charged to Parliamentary Expenses
All my office staff will be Carlisle United fans
build a new Hadrian's Wall to the north of Carlisle as a tourist attraction, with splurge guns on top just in case the tourists get too rowdy.
Campaign for CUFC TV via FreeView. Across the whole UK, of course.
Cumbria to have its own Cumbrian Flag, to be flown proudly from all Cumbrian public buildings.
Cumbrians to attend at least 12 sporting events involving Cumbrian teams per year.
The two Cumbria Days will be holidays for Cumbrians, involving food, drink and socialising.
Cumbrian dialects to be preserved, taught and not made fun of.
Teaching the "Way of the Winja", the traditional way in which Cumbrians moan about everything.

Where does the Candidate stand.....?

well for Carlisle United home matches, I stand on The Paddock. As far as how my mind works, well the following two pages will cover that:

Cumbrian Separatist Larder

Of course, there is the slight possibility that I might win! If this were to happen, there is also the possibility that my seat in the house (which is a nice comfy one, lined up perfectly for the TV) will be a decisive one required to give a major party power. Should this be the case, then I would need a strong support team behind me to provide sound advice on the many weighty issues (oy, I am on a diet!) which I may have to vote on. After nominations and CVs were carefully reviewed, I've decided on the following people:

Leader
Kynson

Information & spin
ChampagneFallingOver (publicity material)
GenericDemon (Common Sense)
CUFCmemorabilia (web design)
Lemming (script writer)

Tourism
MojoBlue

Food
HomesickCumbrian

Defence (External Paggers)
dbdb

Justice (Internal Paggers)
LightBringer

Foreign Affairs
NZBlue

Finance
ChaCUFC

Belief Systems
BlueCanary

Health and social care
Markovitch

Transport
Tunng

Business, Employment & Education
Carlisle_Mad_Nut