Got this off the Everton mailing list, some of its quite funny - Sunscreen thing....................
Matthew Richards
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could offer you only one tip for the future, hating Man U would be it. The long-term benefits of hating Man U have been proved by the fact that only twats follow them. The rest of my advice has only basis in common sense and bitterness. I will dispense this advice, now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your local team. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your local team until it wins something. But trust me. In 20 years time when your captain picks up the Auto Windscreen Shield you will realise in a way that you cannot grasp now, how all those friends, who decided to support Man U, are dickheads. Your team is not as crap as you think it is.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as David Beckham on Mastermind. The real troubles in your life are glory hunting tossers who like to ridicule you because you haven't jumped on their bandwagon. The kind that say "mine's a treble" when you offer to buy them a drink".
Do one thing everyday that really scares a Man U fan. Sing. (Beckham takes it up the arse)
Don't be reckless with other people's teams. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Be Proud. Don't waste time on jealousy. Sometimes they're ahead. Sometimes, they're ahead. The race is long, and in the end, they win.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. (Unless you are David Beckham) Remember all the Cup Finals. If you support the Toon, forget the last two.
Hate all Cockney Reds
Don't feel guilty if you don't know who to support, just make sure it's not Man U. The most interesting people I knew at 22 supported City. Some of the most interesting 40 year-olds would gladly bomb Old Trafford.
Maybe one day they'll be crap again.
Maybe they won't.
Maybe Ferguson will self-combust, maybe he won't.
Maybe Giggs will
run off with Dale Winton.
Maybe Beckham will get gunned down by Posh on
his 75th wedding anniversary.
If you don't support Man U. Then congratulate yourself. If you were born in Manchester then your choices are half chance. But you should really support City.
Enjoy Beckham. Abuse him every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest fun you'll ever have.
Sing. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room with Sky TV.
Read the crap in the tabloids but don't believe it. Do NOT watch MUTV, it will only make you feel sick.
Get to know your local team. You never know when they might win something.
Be nice to your local rivals (unless you support City).
Don't ridicule your worst players they were probably cheap, and they are the ones most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that teams come and go. Man U did not win the league for 29 years and it could happen again. While Essex Reds work hard to bridge the gaps in geography take pleasure in the short bus ride to your local team's ground.
Visit Old Trafford once, but leave before it makes you puke.
Visit Wembley occasionally but only to watch your local team and, if you must, England.
Travel to away games.
Accept certain inalienable truths. Beckham is a ponce, Schmeichel is a Nazi, and referees won't give penalties at Old Trafford.
And when you do, you'll fantasise that when you were young, Man U were shit, Gary Birtles couldn't score, and Man U got relegated.
Respect your team. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you'll have a Sir John Hall. Maybe you'll have a Jack Walker. But you never know when either one might run out of cash.
Don't mess too much with your team, or by May you will go the way of Blackburn. Be careful which players you buy. But, be patient with your team.
Abuse is an art form. Dispensing it at Man U is a way of letting each and every red shirted ponce and Cockney glory hunter know how little respect everyone has for them.
But trust me on hating Man U.
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